I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
