but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
