Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
