he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
