At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
