a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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