By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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