Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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