I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
