In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
