he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
