I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
