AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
