His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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