Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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