Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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