Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
