i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
