is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Can vaginas get frostbite?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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