When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
