i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
