i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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