found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
