3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize