I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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