omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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