actually, I'm a sock model
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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