The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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