the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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