Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
