I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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