whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
this is an emotional support booty call
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
