Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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