Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
