Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
