piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize