did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
whose parrot is this?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
