everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Randomize
