He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
