Will you blow on my dice?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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