so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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