If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
