Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
