He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize