Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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