totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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