also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
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Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
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I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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