I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
