i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
