Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
cat food counts as protein by the way
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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