how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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