i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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