is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
