My balls are so social today.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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